A Little Ditch Goes A Long Way

A farmer and his son were working hard on his barn when a city boy stopped to ask for directions.  After helping the lost driver, the farmer went back to jacking up the small barn while putting blocks of wood under each corner.  The city boy just had to ask, "What are you doing?"  "Well," said the farmer, "My prize mule keeps scraping his ears on the barn each time he goes through the door and I just can't have that."  "Why don't you just dig a little ditch that goes under the doorway?"  The farmer said, "Thanks, I'll think about it" and the driver pulled away. As the car heads down the road, the farmer turned to his son, "Dumb city slicker.
The mule keeps scraping his ears, not his feet!"

Horse's Butt

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.  Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.  The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"  The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."  So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."   The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses butt?"   The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses butt."  The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.  After a long pause, the farmer says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."

Nagging Wife

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.  One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.  At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.  When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women  and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"  Well, Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty," so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"

NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer
insight and advice to Northerners moving South.

1. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean
Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of
a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be
along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is
what they live for.

3. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know
the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it
yourself.

4. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural
possessive.

5. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

6. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you, either.

7. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of
his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still,
that you will ever hear.

8. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do.
In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license
plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car
was purchased.

9. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the
local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the
store. It is just something you're supposed to do.

10. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase
one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical,
bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house,
and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

11. Be advised that in the South, 'He needed killin!', is a valid defense.

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late ... But please don't shove me either!"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

CALL THE DOCTOR

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a
busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions,
so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his
collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and
said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." 

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse
and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point
she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the
part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

THE PRESCRIPTION

A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was
examined by a doctor. 
After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a
prescription for a powerful tranquilizer. 

The man asked, "How often do I take these?" 

"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for
you," replied the doctor. "They're for your wife."

BAD ADVICE

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to
a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to
see what the problem was, noticed one of the cows looking at him. 

"I believe it's your radiator," said the cow. 

The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to
the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me
advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms frantically back
toward the field. 

The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance
down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer
asked slowly. 

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied. 

"Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't
pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars."

THE PASSING OF A JACK ASS

Early one morning a Priest heard a noise outside his door. When he
opened it, he saw a donkey fall over dead. Not knowing what to do
about the situation, he called the local magistrate and related the
situation.

The magistrate couldn't resist jabbing at the Priest and said, "Father, I
thought the first duty of a Priest was to bury the dead."

Without any hesitation, the Priest said, "No, the first duty of a Priest is
to notify next of kin."

COW ON THE TRACK

A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slow. Finally, it creaks to
a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window. 

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. 

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five
minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same
conductor walking by again. 

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch
up with the cow again?"

FISHING TRAP

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he
would notify him as soon as they found something. 

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read:
"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and inside
it was a pearl worth $50,000... please advise." 

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

BILLY BOB'S VACATION 

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.  Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again." Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."

REWRITES 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."  To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

HORSE SENSE

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.  He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.  Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.  Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.  Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.  The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.  The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

UNIQUE BREAKFAST

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast", so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your 'Unique Breakfast'?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken," she replied proudly. "Baked tongue of chicken? Do you have ANY idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" the man fumed.  Undaunted, the waitress asked, "Well, what would you like then, sir?" The man replied, "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."

WHAT A PIG!

A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions.  As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg.  "How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.  "Well," says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn. Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them."  "And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.  "Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure."  "So the bear injured his leg then." says the salesman.  "Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious.  Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drown."  "So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.  "Oh no," says the farmer.  "So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.  "Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."

Dying of Thirst

A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out for sale.  The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"  The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes." The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"  "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."  The man thanked the peddler and walked away toward the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned. The man at the card table asked, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill.  Couldn't you find it?"  "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

GETTING OLD

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.  "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee.  And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"  "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore.  You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !"  "Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."  "Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old.  No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all."  "Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old.  "No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight.  You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty.  What's so tough about being eighty ?"  To which the eighty year old replied, "I don't wake up until ten!"